blog 13

The last two weeks have left me feeling somewhat in a funk about my worship life, and I have been thinking a lot about religion in such an abstract way that I have felt disconnected in prayer and uninspired to turn to God for guidance. After discussing prayer in such depth, I have somehow felt distanced, struggling with the concept of what it means to pray and getting caught up in whether I do it right, which keeps me from doing it all all. I am thinking about this problem a great deal and seem to be doing little about it. Considering Christian ethics from the perspective of secular roots, I also find myself distancing and feel the consequences of this in my general mood. I wonder so often why it is that at the time when we need God most in our lives, we tend to shut God out, despite fully recognizing our dependence. I also wonder why it is so difficult to share this in a matter of fact way with others, when we, or at least I, know what a freeing and inspiring experience it can be. I know that it is in this fashion that prayer is meant to be a powerful form of worship, just as I know that practicing "personal" Christian ethics is a useless endeavor without community to endorse and enforce it. When community is such an integral part, or should be, of a Christian's lifestyle and ability to worship, why is it that we fear that deep of a connection and resort to what seems like more comfortable and simple interactions. The vulnerability that worshiping expresses and facilitates is nothing less than a wonderful gift, but somehow it seems that people will do anything and everything to prevent being perceived as vulnerable. Why do we associate it with weakness? It obviously takes more courage to make oneself vulnerable than it does to move along with a silent, self-conscous crowd. Strength is manifested in the ability to trust, and we do so little of that. To trust in God, if one believes in God, should not be challenging at all. To trust in people, who are fallible, is in some senses an even greater exhibition of faith. I think of Jesus, who was a person--capable of messing up? The fate of humanity has always been in the hands of God, but God then put it in the hands of a mortal--God made mortal--how much faith God put in God's creation...it seems strange that we put such little faith back into God. The feelings I have struggled with over the last few weeks are not new, and I know that they are not permanent. It is dealing with them that makes them go away, and what we so often don't want to do when we are troubled. Talking about it, however, makes me want to worship and be vulnerable--or admit that I am vulnerable, because that never changes.